[Todos] Fwd: Monkey theorem

[fabio vicentini]

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From: fabio vicentini <fmvicent en gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 10, 2013 at 10:40 AM
Subject: Monkey theorem
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Buenos Aires, October 10, 2013

Dear colleague,

 Subject: The Monkey Theorem

*I am thinking of a way*

*To write a lot of sheeet*

*In order for the aim*

*To get a pee aych deee*

**

 A scientific paper should serve an useful function, and that would
normally be the case if it has required a time consuming effort by his
author. I have worked for 30 years for industrial concerns as an operations
researcher and I consider that 5 out of 70 projects I dealt with were worth
transmitting to my colleagues. That would amount to one paper every 6 years
on the average. On the other side my colleagues in the Academy publish one
paper every 6 months. The alternative is: 1) I am an PhD idiot. 2)
Academics publish mainly bullshit.

 In the nineties Argentina had its most corrupt administration since our
founding fathers. I lost my job and was forced to take refuge in the School
of Sciences of Buenos Aires University wherein I found that professors are
pressured to publish papers in peer-reviewed journals following the World
Bank recommendations to improve higher education in the banana republics.

 Professors who work full-time are expected to lecture and do research.
Their performance is measured mainly by their research, and research is
measured by the number of  published papers - mind you, by the number not
by the content. It is assumed that its content has already been judged by
the journal's referees.

 Every seven years professor X has to engage in a contest where they count
the number of papers X has published so far - let this number be n(X). If
another candidate Z who competes with X has a number of papers greater than
n(X) then they would discharge X and Z would be given X's job. Even if X
would overcome this ordeal, he will have to confront again a contest after
the next seven years and so on. As a result 1) X is eventually kicked off
his chair or 2) X is retired at 65 or 3) X dies of heart failure. There is
no tenure.

 Now, let us assume that professor X is an honest man, then when he finds
the solution to his research problem he will send a paper to a journal. But
this is *not* the objective, the objective is to publish as many papers as
you can because that is what they count. X realizes that a serious problem
may take years to be solved or never. So, in order to survive X should
leave behind honesty. There are ways to maximize the number of papers: 1)
join a prolific research group 2) choose a successful coauthor 3) choose a
papers-generating problem 4) exploit your thesis students 5) enlist in the
school mafia. Whichever the choice the end result would probably be
sophisticated bullshit.

 Whoever was first in dreaming up this evaluation procedure got his
inspiration from the monkey theorem: *If you put a thousand monkeys banging
at a thousand typewriters, one will eventually reproduce a sonnet of
Shakespeare with probability one.*

* *Our academics produce 2 papers per year on the average as I ascertained
from a sample from the math dept faculty. All these people are smart but
none is a genius. A normal human being cannot discover a significant new
fact of science twice a year. But he is forced to publish papers because
the atmosphere he is in gives him the feeling to be in danger of losing his
job if his paper is not forthcoming. As a consequence he fakes research to
produce papers.

 Fabio Vicentini

Operational Research consultant

 PS. This letter has been addressed *twice* to about 70 colleagues around
the world.
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